Tees Maar Khan
Synopsis:
Halfway through the film, Akshay Kumar is literally dangling from the ceiling of a moving train while wearing a ridiculous Santa Claus suit and trying to direct a bunch of confused villagers who think they are actually shooting a Hollywood blockbuster, but to understand why anyone is doing this, you have to look at how this whole ridiculous mess started in the first place. Tabrez Khan, who prefers to call himself Tees Maar Khan because he thinks it sounds cooler, is this absolute con artist who is so smooth and charming that he manages to get arrested at a strange airport right at the beginning of the movie, and then he breaks out or gets released because he is just that good of a talker, which sets the tone for pretty much all the hindi movies starring him where the logic is completely optional. Anyway, he gets hired by these two dim-witted brother criminals played by Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman who want him to pull off this massive heist involving an antique treasure train, and they need a foolproof plan that won't get them caught by the authorities. So then, Tees Maar Khan comes up with this genius scheme to hire a washed-up, desperate method actor named Aatish Kapoor, played by Akshaye Khanna, and trick him into believing he is making an Oscar-winning art film about the Indian freedom struggle when they are actually just using the movie production as a massive cover to loot the train as it passes through a remote village called Dhurandhar Bhalla. The funny thing is that Aatish is so completely obsessed with winning an Academy Award that he doesn't see through any of the obvious nonsense, and he keeps complaining about his craft and demanding emotional depth while Akshay Kumar's character is just trying to figure out how to blow up the tracks without anyone noticing. Katrina Kaif plays Anya, this aspiring item girl who is Aatish's girlfriend or co-star or whatever, and she spends a ridiculous amount of time practicing her dance moves and wearing the most sparkly, impractical outfits you have ever seen in the history of bollywood movies, and honestly, the camera lingers on her face for what feels like ten straight minutes during her big item number where she is singing about how she wants to be a star and shaking her hips with a bunch of backup dancers who are wearing matching purple vests and sweating profusely under the studio lights. That specific dance sequence has this one background extra on the far left side of the screen who misses every single beat and keeps looking nervously at the choreographer, and I swear I rewinded that part three times because it's so distracting and hilarious compared to Katrina's hyper-polished routine. Right after that, the production moves to the actual village where the locals are the most gullible people on earth and they just believe whatever Tees Maar Khan tells them, including the lie that the movie set is a real government project that requires them to clear out of their homes on the exact day the treasure train is scheduled to pass by. The villagers are led by Arya Babbar playing some local tough guy who gets easily outsmarted by a few fake mustaches and a megaphone, and everyone just runs around shouting and falling over each other in standard slapstick fashion that you usually see in the goofier side of bollywood. So then, the big day arrives and the train comes chugging down the tracks loaded with millions in gold and priceless artifacts, and the fake film crew is set up with cameras and cranes pretending to film a dramatic climax while the actors are running around in period costumes. Akshay is barking orders through a walkie-talkie and sweating through his fake beard, and Aatish is crying fake tears for the camera while delivering some melodramatic dialogue about mother India, and nobody has any idea that the real robbery is happening right under their noses except for the viewers who are watching this chaotic masterpiece unfold. They manage to hook the train carriages up to their rigged setup and divert the loot using ropes and sheer luck, and everybody is cheering and running across the fields with sacks of gold while the police are nowhere to be found. Aatish actually thinks they just shot the greatest cinematic masterpiece in the history of hindi films, and he is standing there hugging the crew and crying happy tears because he is totally convinced he is going to walk the red carpet in Los Angeles. Tees Maar Khan takes his cut of the treasure and tries to make a clean getaway with Anya and the stolen loot loaded up in a fleet of trucks, but the police finally catch up to him because crime doesn't pay, even in a comedy. He stands in front of the judge and gives this big goofy speech with a cheeky smile on his face, totally unrepentant about the whole scheme, and then he gets hauled off to jail where he immediately starts hatching another ridiculous plan with his cellmates while the credits roll.
That one sound effect keeps happening during the scene where Akshay Kumar steals the paintings, and if I'm honest, it nearly broke the movie for me right then and there. It is a wet, sliding woodblock tick that belongs in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon about a dog chasing a pelican, pasted over a supposedly tense heist setup in a way that suggests the sound editor was either half-asleep or engaged in some deeply personal form of performance art. Hindi movies have a long and storied tradition of broad, abrasive sonic punctuation, but this particular noise grates against the eardrums with the persistence of a dentist's drill hitting an exposed nerve. You sit there in the dark waiting for it to stop, only for the audio mix to double down during a closeup of a priceless artifact, recycling the same five frames of Foley work until your teeth start to ache. It is a small thing, sure, but it sets the tone for everything that follows, establishing a baseline of frantic, undisciplined noise that rarely lets up.
Farah Khan directs with the visual subtlety of a neon billboard falling off a high-rise, trading the more grounded domestic sprawl of her earlier work for a glossy, hyper-saturated cartoon logic that treats every scene like a music video waiting to happen. The camera never sits still for more than three seconds, swooping in on characters' eyebrows and panning across lavish set designs with a dizzying lack of restraint. Shiraz Ahmed and Kiren Kotian wrote a screenplay that feels less like a narrative structure and more like an excuse to shuffle a deck of loosely related gags from one extravagant location to the next, stopping only to let someone deliver a pun that died of old age years ago. There is a relentless, breathless quality to the pacing that leaves no room for air, rushing past plot holes big enough to drive a refrigerated lorry through while characters yell their motivations directly into the lens. It reminds one of Welcome in terms of sheer institutional fatigue, that exhausting sensation of watching comic actors sweat through heavy costumes while a laugh track or an overstated brass cue tells the audience exactly how to feel about a joke that didn't land.
Akshay Kumar plays Tabrez Mirza Khan with a toothy, self-satisfied grin that works wonders when he is leaning into his natural, slimy charisma, though the material constantly asks him to play the same note at maximum volume for two hours straight. He wears absurd disguises with genuine commitment, treating a terrible wig and a fake mustache as an invitation to chew the scenery until there is nothing left for the supporting cast to nibble on. Akshaye Khanna, meanwhile, brings a genuinely strange, deadpan energy to the role of an egomaniacal actor desperate for an international award, wandering through the chaos with the glazed, bewildered expression of a man who just realized he signed the wrong contract. It is a performance that operates on an entirely different frequency from everyone else on screen, occasionally stumbling into genuine absurdity before being yanked back by the plot's demand for another loud musical number. Katrina Kaif gets stuck doing the heavy lifting in the glamour department, executing demanding choreography with a mechanical precision that looks exhausting, smiling through routines that demand she shake things up for a camera that seems more interested in the background explosions than her footwork.
The supporting players show up mostly to scream exposition and wave their arms around, though Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman bring a certain reality television menace to their brief, hyperactive appearances as menacing twins. Arya Babbar is also there, playing a straight man in a circus that refuses to stop spinning long enough for anyone to register his existence. Visually, the film relies on a digital gloss that drains the warmth out of the colors, turning every outdoor street market and interior palace into a flat, overly processed greeting card where skin tones look slightly orange and shadows are aggressively scrubbed away. Vishal-Shekhar's soundtrack delivers the obligatory earworms, anchored entirely by the sheer ubiquity of the title track, which managed to embed itself into the cultural consciousness of the period through brute-force repetition rather than melodic grace. The lyrics are silly, the beat is relentless, and by the fourth time the chorus kicks in during the narrative runtime, you begin to understand why people sometimes throw things at theater screens.
Beneath the aggressively cheerful veneer, the movie operates on a cynicism about the nature of celebrity and filmmaking that feels oddly bitter for a mainstream comedy meant to entertain families during the holiday season. The central premise revolves around making a fake movie just to pull off an elaborate train robbery, a meta-textual joke about the illusions of cinema that accidentally hits a little too close to the mechanical artifice of the actual production on display. Bollywood movies have always loved poking fun at their own grandiosity, but this particular satire lacks the sharp teeth required to draw blood, settling instead for lazy parodies of international art-house tropes and predictable jabs at the egos of actors who take themselves too seriously. Characters talk about art and legacy while standing in front of visibly painted backdrops, a recurring visual motif that undercuts whatever satirical points the script might have been trying to make about the fakeness of the industry.
By the time the third act descends into a chaotic blur of green-screen train chases and frantic character switching, the exhaustion sets in so deeply that individual scenes begin to bleed into one another without leaving any distinct impression behind. It occupies that strange middle tier of studio output that is not great, not bad, just there, taking up space on a hard drive and demanding your attention through sheer volume rather than earned engagement. You watch these actors run across fields, shout at dogs, and deliver punchlines that evaporate the second they leave the speaker's mouth, wondering how a production with this much money and industry muscle managed to feel so completely hollow. The closing credits roll over a bloated outtake reel that tries to convince you everyone had a wonderful time making this mess, but the forced laughter on the faces of the crew members looks an awful lot like relief.