7 Khoon Maaf
Synopsis:
Halfway through 7 Khoon Maaf, Priyanka Chopra is literally just hanging out in a snowy, freezing Russian landscape looking entirely unimpressed while her fourth husband is hacking away at a giant frozen lake, and honestly, that whole sequence is so bizarrely paced because it takes forever for him to chop that stupid hole in the ice while she's just standing there wrapped in this intensely dramatic, heavy winter coat with fur trim that looks like it cost more than my entire apartment, but then she just watches him slip and fall right into the freezing water and she doesn't even blink. But to understand how she got to a point where she's casually letting her husbands meet unfortunate ends, you have to look at how this whole messy thing started back when she was just this young woman named Susanna Anna-Marie Johannes living in this giant, slightly creepy ancestral Anglo-Indian mansion filled with too many dogs and too many servants.
So then she meets Major Edwin Rodriques played by John Abraham and he's this handsome, ultra-patriotic military guy with a glaring chip on his shoulder and he's just constantly working out and yelling at people, and she falls head over heels and they get married immediately, but it turns out he's intensely abusive and obsessed with control and he makes her life a living nightmare until she finally decides she's had enough and feeds him some poisoned mushrooms. Right after that, she marries Jimmy Singh, this sleazy rock musician played by Neil Nitin Mukesh, and he's totally addicted to drugs and treats her like absolute garbage while trying to use her money to fund his music career, but he dies of an accidental overdose that she definitely helps along by tweaking his stash, which brings us to husband number three, this charming poet named Wasiullah Khan played by Irrfan Khan, who seems romantic at first until you realize he's a violently jealous psychopath who locks her in a room, and he ends up freezing to death in the snow because she locks him out.
The funny thing is that out of all the crazy stuff happening in 7 Khoon Maaf, one detail that always sticks in my mind is this weird green velvet jacket that Jimmy wears during one of his terrible music video shoots, because it's just so violently tacky and completely captures the exact vibe of mid-tier bollywood movies from that era where they just throw random neon colors at the screen and hope it looks cool. Anyway, husband number four is this Russian spy guy named Nikolai Vronsky played by Aleksandr Dyachenko, who turns out to be a total creep running a prostitution ring out of their basement, and she poisons his vodka, and then husband number five is Dr. Modhusoodan Tarafdar played by Annu Kapoor, this ancient, creepy, lecherous doctor who wants a younger bride and tries to control her diet with weird medical potions, so she feeds him poisoned dessert and watches him drop dead right at the dinner table.
Things get even weirder when husband number six shows up in the form of a young police officer named Keemat Lal, played by Vivaan Shah, who blackmails her into marriage because he knows about all her dead husbands, but she manages to outsmart him too, which leads directly to the final chapter where she meets a mysterious bishop played by Naseeruddin Shah, and she finally finds some twisted form of peace or absolution or whatever you want to call it when the church burns down around them and she just walks away into the rain.
Priyanka Chopra laughs in that specific, wetly triumphant way that makes you wonder what the audio mixer was going for, and honestly, it's a small thing but it bugged me throughout the whole screening. Vishal Bhardwaj usually has an ear like a hawk for dialogue grit, yet here we get these occasional looping errors that sound like they were recorded in a tile bathroom during a renovation. That kind of technical slip would sink a lesser picture, but 7 Khoon Maaf keeps rolling past its own clumsy seams because the machinery underneath is turning too fast to stop. You sit there waiting for the narrative wheels to fly off into a ditch, watching Susanna Anna-Marie Johannes chew through seven husbands like she is working her way through a very complicated tasting menu. It's an adaptation of a Ruskin Bond short story, which already means the source material has this slight, dusty smell of old British council libraries, though the film itself looks slicker and much meaner than anything Bond ever typed out on his portable typewriter.
The screenplay, co-written by Bhardwaj and Matthew Robbins, structure-wise, just keeps laying tracks directly in front of the speeding train without slowing down to check if the bridge is built yet. Every fifteen or twenty minutes, another poor bastard walks into Susanna's orbit, puts a ring on her finger, and then immediately reveals himself to be an insecure tyrant, a drug addict, a religious hypocrite, or just boring in a way that deserves capital punishment. It is an episodic structure that could have easily flattened out into a repetitive grind of poisoning, stabbing, and drowning, except the directors of photography, Suzanne Bau and Sudeep Chatterjee, coat everything in these bruised, amber-and-slate tones that keep you off balance. They shoot the Kashmir sequences with a harsh, glaring white that hurts your eyes to look at, then drop you into the damp, shadowy corners of a decaying Anglo-Indian mansion that feels like it hasn't seen a broom since the seventies. You notice how the camera tracks across the floorboards, lingering on dust motes and spilled wine, capturing the slow rot of these doomed domestic arrangements with a cold eye that refuses to judge the protagonist even when she is mixing arsenic into the morning tea.
Then you have the men, an unbelievable collection of character actors and stars who show up specifically to be murdered by the female lead of a mainstream Hindi movie. Neil Nitin Mukesh plays the first husband, a jealous army major with a face like a porcelain doll and a temper that makes you want to crawl under the seat, and he establishes this template of toxic masculinity that the subsequent actors have to react against, modify, or subvert. John Abraham is there as a rock star with a fake nose ring and a habit of coughing up blood, which is a performance you look at and think, sure, why not, let's see where this goes. Then Irrfan Khan shows up as a melancholic poet with a sadistic streak that he hides behind velvet kurtas and low-voiced ghazals, stealing every scene he is in simply by pausing for two seconds longer than anyone else on set. Naseeruddin Shah and Annu Kapoor pop up later in the run time as well, and while Kapoor is doing some genuinely weird, broad work as a corrupt police officer who fancies himself a romantic, Shah brings this quiet, terrifying dignity to a doctor who views his young bride as just another specimen for his collection. It is an ensemble that doesn't quite fit together in any logical sense, bouncing between different acting styles and regional accents and cinematic eras, which somehow makes the matrimonial body count feel even more erratic and unhinged.
Priyanka Chopra holds all of these disparate pieces together with a performance that requires her to age several decades, alter her posture from scene to scene, and transition from a starry-eyed romantic into a withered, spiritually exhausted recluse who looks like she has seen the underside of every grave in the district. It's a massive, sprawling piece of acting that doesn't always hit the right emotional notes, and sometimes she leans into the villainy so hard she looks like she's about to turn to the camera and twirl an invisible mustache, but you cannot look away from her. When she sits on the porch in the final reels, watching the rain come down over the overgrown lawn, her hair graying and her eyes hollowed out by decades of premeditated homicide, she feels less like a character in a commercial Hindi film and more like a ghost that wandered in from some nineteenth-century gothic novel. She carries the weight of the entire enterprise on her shoulders, even when the editing gets choppy and the musical numbers interrupt the momentum with these jarring bursts of orchestration.
Bhardwaj composed the score himself, alongside Rekha Bhardwaj and Gulzar handling the lyrics, and the songs operate almost like Greek chorus entries that tell you what Susanna is feeling before she even picks up the kitchen knife. A track like "Darling" becomes this weirdly jaunty earworm that plays over scenes of absolute carnage, creating a tonal dissonance that reminds you of similar tricks in Quentin Tarantino movies, though with a distinct desi flavor that prevents it from feeling entirely derivative. You hear the strains of Russian dialogue mixed in during the late-stage sequence with Aleksandr Dyachenko, and the sound design fills the theater with these heavy, wet thuds and ticking clocks that make the runtime stretch out in strange, dilated ways. It's messy, overlong, and frequently struggles to balance its literary origins with the demands of star-driven cinema, but it never plays it safe.
By the time the priest shows up in the final sequence to hear her confession, the movie has essentially burned through every genre convention it started with, leaving behind this scorched-earth portrait of loneliness and misplaced devotion that feels totally alien to the normal rhythms of Bollywood. It's not a complete success, because the pacing in the middle third sags badly and some of the husband-dispatching sequences feel rushed, but it lingers in your head long after the house lights come up. You find yourself thinking about the look in Chopra's eyes during the closing moments, and you realize that for all its structural flaws and uneven tone, it gave us something genuinely strange and memorable in a landscape that usually prefers to play things very, very safe.